Wii are fit to be tied

So D got "the Wii" for Christmas, and then Boyfriend went out and got a Wii fit for, you know, the out-of-shape adults lying about the house, thinking that perhaps we would be more induced to exercise if a) we didn't have to leave the house in 18 degree weather b) he could play video games without guilt and c) it was a little more fun to work out, since my fitness phase and its accompanying endorphin highs hath abandoned me long ago. And so, the Wii fit.

I have many opinions on this device.

If you don't have one, well, let me try to sum up. It's an excessively cute device that allows you to play excessively cute games all while cutting you to the core with only dimly-masked snide remarks specially formulated to make you feel like shit about yourself.

Oh, it's cute. No doubt there. Cute little voice (what I imagine Hello Kitty would sound like if she had a mouth), cute little dancing icons, cute little games like hula-hooping.

And a mean, cold heart.

First, it gives you a "body test." Boyfriend happens to be a tiny bit overweight, and after the Wii weighed him, it proceeded to turn his little avatar/icon/"Mii" into a small, animated butterball. Then it makes you do a stupid balancing game and gives you your "Wii age," which factors all the aforementioned features plus your chronological age into what I can only surmise is a completely random, totally arbitrary number. At least I hope so. My first "Wii age" was FORTY-NINE!!! What? And yet a mere two days later, I am a spry 30-year-old. My friend says it has never given him the same age range twice in a row—one day he's 53 (he's actually 36) and the next he's 17. And then 80. Of course, it told D he was 30, and really, if I added "five-going-on" before that, I'd be hard-pressed not to agree.

Anyway, the Wii also makes what I'm sure it thinks are "delicate" comments about your weight. "Being overweight is pretty unhealthy," it said to Boyfriend. WHY DO YOU THINK YOU ARE IN OUR HOME, LITTLE WII? Because if you're not going to help us get in shape, you can take your snotty assvice right out to the trash!

Oh, and don't skip a single day, or it will, in what it must think is a jocular fashion, comment on how you must have been "too busy to work out yesterday, huh, stefanie?" Ha! If my trainer had talked to me like that, I'd have canned his ass. Of course, I could only have gotten 2 sessions out of him for what the Wii cost, so mayhaps my expectations are a little high. And the Wii does give you a trainer! You have your choice of a very androgynous man or a very butch woman who not only look and talk like mannequins, but also evidently work just about as hard. I've had two training sessions so far, and I have yet to see my trainer so much as offer to get me a virtual towel.

All of this is to say that it's clear that the Wii was not designed by people with an intimate understanding of American culture, wherein we 1) need to be stroked for working out even for 2 minutes 2) NEVER EVER called fat, (even when we are), and 3) not given a hard time when we do finally show up to work out.

Nowhere is this lack of cultural understanding more evident than during the little lectures you get during the course of using the Wii. There's a lot of obsessing about "posture" and "balance," both of which, except for maybe pop-yoga-moms, most Americans find to be generally uninteresting. Americans want to be Buff or Cut or Thin or Shapely or Bulked Up. We don't give a shit about posture. We don't care about balance. Well, I mean, we care, but really only to the point of being able to hold two weights at the same time without requiring surgery later or to have good form while we're running off another 500 calories. I'm not saying we shouldn't care about these things—obviously the people more interested in posture and balance are living a hell of a lot longer than those of us worried about the shape of our buttcheeks. I'm just saying we don't.

The Wii gives a decent workout to beginners, though, as far as I can tell. It's not something that a professional athlete is going to use in the off-season to remain in top form, but I did one of the running exercises, and my calves still hurt. Boyfriend's core is going to be Jillian-Michaels-esque if he keeps up with the hula-hooping. I'll admit, it does make me a little sad when I score so low that the game actually stops working or gives me a score of "unbalanced" (YA THINK?? And on so many levels!), but I'm sure learning how to ski jump (which is no doubt Exactly Like the Real Thing) and do kung-fu moves to a funk rhythm is going to more than make up for that.

But one thing that MUST go, that Nintendo MUST abandon RIGHT NOW is the feature in which the Wii says "oohhh" when you step on it for the first time on a given day. And it's not an I'm-so-excited-to-see-you kind of "oohhh." It's more like an I-think-I-just-stepped-in-cat-puke "oohhh"or an is-this-donut-filled-with-bats'-assholes? kind of "oohhh." I mean, I'll take the abusive scoring system and the nasty comments about my current fitness level, but here's a tip, Nintendo—free of charge: if you are trying to get people to work out and use your little product,
DO NOT MAKE IT GROAN WHEN THEY STEP ON IT. I mean, it might as well come out and say "Jesus, the TiVo said you were turning into a fat fuck, but wow…"

But I figure if it doesn't toughen my glutes or lats, maybe it will toughen me up psychologically, so I don't sob like a pantywaist when the device points out that "hand-eye coordination really isn't your thing, is it?" and the boxing coach gives me a withering look and says, "I know you can do better than that" (those are direct quotes). If not, it may meet an untimely battery failure.

I'm just saying, I really don't need an appliance that's going to give me a complex. I have plenty of those in stock in the back, thanks very much.