525,600 minutes

So a little over 525, 600 minutes ago, I was having another birthday. And here we are again. I'm taking a good hard look at the Year in Review to see what's what and where I am…

In the past year I have reached these 18 mile-ish-stones.

• Flirted with a really, really low-calorie diet and exercise plan that was definitely wayyyy beyond the realm of "normal" and "healthy." And guess what? I lost very little weight. Surprise!
  
  In fact, when I went to Germany for themostrockinvacationEVAH, I decided it was time for a Gustatory Tour of Bavaria and its Surrounds and despite stuffing my face, I gained like maybe half a pound, which proves, if nothing else, that one's body stays healthier when one is happy and not mindfucking it to death or even really thinking about it. Which seems like not so much a life lesson as a pervading theme and concept that I never seem to fully embrace.
  
  
• Rejoiced in the news that Ex-husband's truly psychotic girlfriend was kicked to the curb. I know all ex-wives say their "replacements" have the Crazy, but as one who already Owns the Crazy, I can say with authority that this one was a piece of work. Like she sent him pictures of HER children (of whom he is not the father) with the caption "these are the children you threw away." CRAZY HOLY NUTBAGS, RIGHT?
  
  Anyway, after she broke into his house and left him 13 text messages in a 4-hour period and stood outside of his house wailing at him, he thankfully decided that perhaps this would be a good time to go on a shit-free diet, emotionally speaking. It was either that or go ahead and put a '70 GTO on blocks in front of his house and wear nothing but cutoffs while drinking Natty Light and speaking disparagingly about rival NASCAR teams, because seriously, this was turning into a reality TV show of epic proportions.
  
  
• Got to move to another apartment. It seemed time to leave the incredible experience of having someone scream constantly, jump on the floor with cement-encased boots, and provoke a three year old into one 8-hour long keening cry to some other victim good soul.
  
  
• Finished the goddamn dissertation. And defended it to the toughest, most amazing and incredibly supportive committee EVER. I got a little more basket-casey than usual, prowling around my former town of residence and feeling the memories crushing in on me, but I got to see some truly lovely friends, and they helped. Like, a lot.
  
  
• Convinced Boyfriend to accompany me and the One True Child to North Carolina for our bi-ennial holiday visit. It was no less drama-filled than any other visit home, which was more than made up for by the fact that my Nana and the boychild fell deeply in love with one another. Also, Nana decided she liked Boyfriend, which made his already soaring stock hit an all-time high.
  
  
• Tried to go Raw. As in not eating anything heated above 115 F. FAIL.
  
  
• Tried to go Vegan. EPIC FAIL.
  
  
• Tried just eating normal healthy stuff, with a light sprinkling of grocery store cake, Blizzards, and boutique cupcakes thrown in. Also perhaps an occasional burger or gyro, you know, since Boyfriend has been working with a Greek restaurant owner on some projects. I have to support the bidness enterprise, right? Anyway, so far, so good.
  
  
• Almost lost my 15-year-old tabby cat, Mooch. She was diagnosed with diabetes and given a grim 2-week prognosis. She must have heard me talking about "humane pre-emptive options before she starts to suffer," because within two days, she was the picture of health and back to disapproving of The Staff full-time.
  
  
• Wholeheartedly supported Boyfriend's leaving the nonprofit where we've both worked for several years (and where we met) and striking it out on his own, which, while somewhat financially interesting, has come to be one of the better relationship decisions we've made together.
  
  
• Went to see my parents for their 40^th wedding anniversary, for which Overachiever Sister perfectly planned and executed a wonderful party. And I got half the credit just for showing up and writing a check!
  
  
• Watched my son devour pre-K books and plunge headlong into Kindergarten level ones. We are both amped about Kindergarten starting in the Fall, in no small part because he will start wearing a uniform. This will make my mornings with the young Jean Paul Gaultier quite a bit less stressful when we get to the outfit-choosing portion of the program. It makes the act of spending $50 ($50!!!) on a single cardigan a bit less painful.
  
  
• Also saw my son embrace the Spanish language, though his American pronunciation leaves something to be desired. It took me 10 minutes to realize he wasn't saying anything offensive as he marched around the house one day barking "Cake lore-ass, mama! Cake lore-ass!" When he held up a white shirt and yelled "BLANCO!" I realized he had been asking "¿Que colores?" Which in case you don't know is "what color is this, you idiot?"
  
  
• Changed jobs within the Comp'ny and got an incredible new boss, who of course I bitched about working for in the first place but now adore. Figures.
  
  
• Decided it would be fun to try every fitness thingy I'd ever thought about, crazy or not. Hence TurboKick™, personal trainer, Bikram Yoga, Power Yoga, Regular Yoga, Running, Climbing stairs IN ADDITION TO the 40 it takes to get to my apartment, Not Bouncing on the Elliptical but rather Using it Correctly (which SUCKS), Lifting Weights and Trying to Do Sprints on the Stationary Bike, the mere mention of which makes my butt-bones hurt.
  
  
• Had really nice visit with my parents when they came out to Utah to spoil their grandson rotten hang out with D while he was on his "vacation," which is French for "the week preschool teachers must have off to ensure that they will come back again for another round."
  
  
• Realized my mother-in-love (which is what I call Boyfriend's mom) is coming out for Seven. Whole. Weeks. I am so glad she's coming, but that's a darn long time, and I must have missed the memo about it being seven weeks. As in 1-2-3-4-5-6-7.
  
  
• Enjoyed another year of having the kind of family that fun sitcoms are based on: mostly quirky, often silly, occasionally angry, and sometimes frustrating but always wrapped up in the last 10 minutes with everyone waxing sentimental about how much they all love each other.
  
  Thank you, D, Boyfriend, Parental Units, Overachiever Sister, Brother-in-law, Step-nephew, and Nana for making my life a really good place to be. My head is a scary place to be a lot of the time, and I'm grateful you guys have the patience to keep pulling it out of my ass, time after time.